


I'm Bigger Than my Body, I'm Bigger Than These Bones

by aprofessorbhaer



Series: Who is in Control? (AKF) [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bigotry & Prejudice, Breasts, Castiel in the Bunker, Catholic Guilt, Catholicism, Christianity, Coming Out, Crisis of Faith, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Gender Identity, Having Faith, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Loss of Faith, Men of Letters Bunker, Misgendering, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Nudity, Parent-Child Relationship, Partial Nudity, Queer Character, Queer Gen, Queer Themes, Reader-Insert, Religion, Religious Conflict, Religious Content, Religious Discussion, Religious Guilt, Roman Catholicism, Trans Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 14:22:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10573104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aprofessorbhaer/pseuds/aprofessorbhaer
Summary: That awkward moment when an Angel of the Lord is more open-minded than two humans who hunt supernatural creatures for a living.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The third installment rounds out Team Free Will.

“…Is this a bad time?”

I straightened up, flipping my wet hair back and dabbing my towel over my face. I looked over at Castiel, who was standing in my doorway. Wrapping the towel around my waist, I tucked in the ends so it would stay on my hips. “No, not at all. Come on in, Castiel. Would you mind closing the door behind you?”

“My apologies.”

I turned around to face my dresser, looking for something suitable to sleep in. “It’s no problem; Sam and Dean just probably won’t appreciate the free show,” I said, trying to add levity. I stopped moving briefly as a thought occurred to me. “My nudity doesn’t bother you, does it?”

“Not at all. However, I am confused: I was under the impression that women wearing less clothing than usual is welcome to most men, including Sam and Dean?”

I laughed, shaking my head at his combination of knowledge and innocence. “That is very true. However, I am not a woman, so it doesn’t apply to me.”

Turning around to face Castiel, I saw his brow furrowed in confusion. “Forgive me. My interactions with Dean have led me to believe that misconstruing a person’s sex is very offensive, and I apologize.”

I smiled. “No need to apologize, Castiel. Anyway, my biological sex is considered female. However, my gender identity is not. And we haven’t known each other very long, so it’s not a big deal that you didn’t know that.”

Castiel shifted on his feet slightly. “As I understand it, from my observance of humanity in recent years, misgendering someone is harmful and unacceptable.”

I hung up my towel on the portable drying rack I kept in my room, and pulled on the boxers I’d be sleeping in tonight. “That is generally true. But I knew you didn’t do it on purpose, and anyway, dealing with being misgendered is something I do every day. I’m used to it.” I tried to shrug nonchalantly, and turned to the mirror I kept in my room. Picking up my comb, I began to carefully untangle my wet hair.

“Who does that to you? If you point them out to me, I can—”

“Whoa! Easy, Castiel. I appreciate the sentiment, but that’s not really feasible. It kinda happens with nearly everyone I interact with.”

Castiel looked troubled. “Except for the Winchesters, of course?” His tone lacked the conviction of a statement, and instead trailed off questioningly.   
I focused on my task. “They mean well. Sam was very understanding when I explained it to him, and Dean tries his best, but we’re all socialized from birth to see gender as binary. Male or female. It’s very hard for people to grasp that some people don’t fall into either category. Hell, I have trouble accepting it sometimes, and I’m a nonbinary person!

“Anyway, I know that they care about me. It’s just easy for them to slip up, especially in the middle of a hunt or after a long car ride. And there are some things that I do that don’t make it easier. I walk around naked, I grow my hair out, I don’t bind my chest. None of those things help them to see me as less feminine.”

“Your body, your hair length, and your breasts do not make you who you are. You are worth correcting people. Your comfort is important, too.”

Tears pricked my eyes before I blinked them back. “Thank you, Castiel. I admit, it can get frustrating. Especially because I have what I believe are good reasons for what I do: I spend time nude to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I usually only do it when I’m alone, so it was a huge step for me to try it around the boys. I grow my hair out because I enjoy donating it. Sam and Dean don’t approve because it’s just one more way the feds or police can track me, and by extension them. I just want to help people in one mundane way, in a way anyone could. Dean rags on me for leaving myself vulnerable because more intelligent monsters can take advantage of long hair. But I know how to wear it up. I know how to take care of myself. And as for binding, it’s just not a good idea when I could be doing strenuous activities at any time. Otherwise, there are definitely days it’d be a relief to have a flat chest. But binders are expensive, even more so than bras, and I’d have to get the sizing right, not to mention I’d have to stay in one place long enough to receive the delivery.” I cut myself off, realizing how long I had been rambling.

In the mirror, I could see Castiel staring at me, his blues eyes boring into my own.

I chuckled self-consciously, busying myself with braiding my hair for sleep. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to dump all of that on you. It’s kinda funny that the person who’s most accepting about my trans non-binary identity is the angel among us. My mother is a devout Catholic, and she says I’ll always be her little girl.” I swallowed, trying to dislodge the lump in my throat that had suddenly appeared. “She made it very clear to me that as a Christian, she believed a person is born a man or a woman, and asking her to consider the alternative was a violation of her faith.”

Without looking at Castiel, I drew back the covers of my bed and climbed in. I refused to cover my chest, though; I would no longer be shamed for the body I was born into, regardless of what I had been taught my whole life. “That was around the time I decided to leave the Church. I didn’t feel welcome anymore; instead, I felt as if I was being forgiven for something I had no control over. I decided that the concept of original sin was unappealing to me, as someone who already felt enough guilt and shame for being…me. I decided that modesty was too restrictive for me as I tried to accept myself, and nakedness did not make sense as a sin if we are all created in the image of God, perfect and whole.” I smiled somewhat bitterly. “Of course, I also don’t feel any kinship with the patriarchal structure of the Church, or the image of God as male, even though ‘He’ is also all things. I decided that if there is a God, why would They make me the way that I am? My mind at odds with my body? Why would a loving God do that?”

I wiped my face, unaware until that moment that I had been crying. “I’m sorry if that offends you. Since our meeting, I’ve accepted that there is a God, and angels, even if not in the way I was taught. I don’t mean to invalidate the existence of you or your Father. And I know that there are trans and non-binary people who are Christian or Catholic. I commend them for their strength. I’m just not one of them.”

The bed dipped next to me as Castiel sat down. “I am not offended. I believe that anyone in your circumstances would have reacted similarly. I will say that you exist exactly as my Father intended. You are perfect and whole; you are not wrong or broken in any way. Your mother does not see past her own prejudices, and so she is not privy to the wonderful person you are. My Father loves you, but not only that, he fully accepts you as you are. As do I, and any true friends.” 

Castiel slowly put his arm around my shoulders. “We will talk more in the morning, especially concerning the Winchesters’ treatment of you. For now, sleep. I will watch over you.”

Before I could protest, the lights went out. Shrugging to myself, I burrowed further into Castiel’s embrace, unable to recall the last time someone held me as I slept.

**Author's Note:**

> This story did NOT go the way I expected. I might need to write another one, but that may not work either lol. I don't feel that I got Castiel's way of speaking right, but this fic was stuck in my head and I needed to write it to get it out. #IWroteThisInsteadOfMyWipsOops


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